Ok in addition to my last blog being about dreams, I was just looking in my writing folder and i clicked on my dream folder, the last dream i wrote down was from March 2009… and get this shit, as i was reading it I can Swear on all that is holy and on my goddamn life that i had this dream within the last 4 months. ‘09 No fucking way, its possible i had it then, but if that’s so, i had it recently too. WTF the same dream with the same premise? I had forgotten about it and now… i don’t even know. It couldn’t have been 3 years ago, It just couldn’t… but as I sated in my last blog.. memories in dreams/of dreams they are without time. Creepy as Fuck is all i can say, really.

- - - So I want to talk about a dream I had last night. I’m not really going to analyze what it means, I’m just going to state how I felt.

- - - By Some means I was searching through the woods as an animal to get through this really thick puzzle part to get past to the other side. By some means of unremembered events I met up with a couple people I used to know. One whose name I really don’t have to protect because she is only a mutual friend and no longer has any stake in my life. Leah was a Friend of Rose’s and she is really good looking. Though she does use allot of makeup to hide her acne, at least she did. In my dream her skin was perfectly fine. I never did have any sort of feelings for her (Leah) besides friendship, so it is odd that I would have a dream where we stuck like glue to each other like old lovers. And in fact, in reality we were. A memory was recalled during the dream that we had previously… how to put it, we were previously mates.

- - - - - - SUB POINT #1: — Memories work differently in dreams than they do in real life.—

Have you ever had a thought or a memory play in your head, and you go so involved in it that you lost track of your body. You come back to it and you realized it was just staring off into space as you left it on auto pilot? It’s kind of like that. Since you really have to physical body in the dream world, and in fact a dream is allot like losing track of your body, you have no idea that it’s sleeping (well for the most part, lucid dreaming is another discussion entirely.) And since you’re not going out of your body to experience a memory, you actually do almost a cut away and experience the memory and then come back to the scene before. So it’s not really a Dream within a dream, it’s just a Dream while a dream, if that makes any sense at all. So I suddenly remembered the memory, and experienced it. And it was strange too because when I recall a memory in a dream, I seriously can’t remember if it was just created just then, or it was a previous dream I had forgotten about. It feels like the latter but I just can’t seem to believe that entirely when I wake up. It could be true and I hate that I forget so much of a dream after waking, but it is the nature of the beast I suppose.

- - - So from that point on we were very clingy to each other, and it was nice I miss that feeling of being half of a whole. It was just odd that it was someone who I haven’t talked to much less looked at a picture of in a long time. Though now that I did just now look at a picture of her… I don’t think it was her, it was how I remembered her I guess IF of course it was her at all and I just put that name to the face because it was the closest. Something happened again later and I was with Hannah, a girl who I went out on a few dates with after Rose and I broke up. I haven’t had a dream with her in it in a long time too, let me look actually. July 11 2011 Says Facebook Messaging. At least that’s our last thread date, a thread that was started because I had a dream about her and messaged her because of it. So we basically hung out, and ate food of all things, something I do extremely rarely in dreams. And the dream actually started to get boring, another thing that extremely rarely happens. And then the girl who was Leah came back and sat down next to me and I felt home again after putting my head on her shoulder.

- - - - - - SUB POINT #2: — If my last blog was about tears and sadness than this one would have to be about that feeling of being home in another person. —

With of course a subplot of how a dream can make you feel this way. Dreams are a warp of reality anyway, so it’s really no surprise anything can happen. But “Anything” never really does happen. It’s your mind, a construct of your sub conscious, things just don’t explode randomly and burst into gold, or other things just don’t fall off the earth against gravity, and light does not exist to travel. That could happen, but it doesn’t. Is your subconscious trying to tell you something, or are you telling it something and it’s showing you what you want. Yes I do desire companionship, but it isn’t my #1 goal. Then again we are talking emotional goals. And if I take away all the goals in my life that are physical or academic related… yeah I guess it is my #1. My two biggest types of dreams are of Having a mate and Companion to share everything with, or of being more than human with super powers. So I desire love, so that I may not be alone. I desire power so that I may not fear.

- - - What are you at your core? I am willing to bet, that your dreams tell you almost every night.

It’s This type of passion that makes her so attractive. She Isn’t just some pretty face actress, and it isn’t anything physical that pushes my “love” for her over the edge. If i liked her for her body she’d be like any other good looking actress. Its her personality and her love for what she does, and how she cares so much, she pushed though tough times and it payed off, she has courage and determination. I personally think that is far more attractive than a pretty face, which she certainly has. So do you hear that girls, being pretty isn’t everything. Same thing for guys.

hollywood’s new generation

Oh Hell Yes. Idk about Jen though, I have to say I am still warming up to her. Personally I would have put Danielle Panabaker or Ellen Page before her but, hey I’m not complaining.

- - - So as I lay in bed trying to sleep I started thinking about the girl I was interested in and tried to imagine facial expressions I had not seen on her. Smiling, laughing, normal, and intrigued, are really the only few I’ve seen her wear so to speak. And I don’t know this type of thing is semi-important to me, so I think about her face as it would be with different emotions… I can’t be the only one who does this. But mostly I thought of her and what her expression would be if I were having a good long conversation would be, like when we would talk on Facebook, and even how she would look as I swooped in for a kiss. Weird ass stuff like that (I admit it).

- - - But with that comes negative emotions and boy are there allot of those. So I thought of her sad, I thought of what it would be like if she was losing someone she loved. (I’m psychotic I know but bear with me, I’m half in and half out of consciousness at this point; I don’t normally think of this stuff during my waking hours). Her crying, what it would be like when she pushed me away because she didn’t want anyone to touch her. And then I imagined crying with her, and it made me realize that I haven’t cried since my first girlfriend (We will call her Rose) broke up with me for the first real time. (She did it twice because we got back together, and the second time was easier because I had prepared myself for it).

- - - I forgot what it was like to cry, really there has been no reason for me to, I mean my second girlfriend and I just didn’t work out and it was a mutual thing, if anything that was a relief getting out of (let’s see what should we call my second Girlfriend that is positive, hmmmmm, really the name Tux comes to mind above all else (she really loved penguins.)) so no need for tears there. And the only other woman I got involved with since was the Poison Mushroom. And this is where I make my point.

- - - The feeling of crying, especially with a lover like what Rose was to me (even before we broke up) it was a feeling that you can’t quite describe (though I will give an attempt regardless). It was like being shredded from the inside out, a ripping of your soul, not in half though; really just making the ever popular hole that everyone seems to alliterate breaking hearts to. I suppose that’s true, but it feels like many small holes, rather than a singular large one. I think this is more true because why else is it so hard to fill the void in you, you ither have to wait for it to grow back or fill it with something temporary like a bandage until it’s ready to heal. And sadly sometimes they never do.

- - - So when the Poison Mushroom was torturing me like she did, I look back on it now, and it reminded me of that shredding feeling, that feeling of having your soul getting stabbed with allot of little holes. Only they weren’t as deep thankfully with her because I wasn’t as emotionally involved (Thank *insert your favorite deity here*). It made me feel closer to the way I felt with Rose than anything else I have felt in the past while, even if it was a feeling that had negative connotations. It was still in a happy time of my life. Even though I am happy now, I have to admit Rose was REALLY the only person I’ve ever had as deep a connection with. And I don’t think it’s her I want, but just that feeling, I want it back. That’s why I think I was so addicted to the Poison Mushroom’s “Scent”.

- - - But this new girl seems genuine, she has a good heart, I’ve seen it though her eyes. Who would have guessed, she actually looks me in the eyes when we talk, like really into my eyes. I think I’m going to call her Bright Eyes. And we will see if this works out, I’m not going to jinx myself with this one… not that I really ever do anyway. I think at this point, if I jinx it, it will be actually unjinxing it. Figure that shit out.

- - - For the first time in a while I had to recite the Jedi Code to myself in my head to keep calm. I guess I only got over everything for the fact that I would never have to encounter or deal with it again. It was enough to rationalize forgiveness and obviously moving on. But there isn’t allot I can do when the problem rears its ugly head again. I can deal with dreaming of her, that’s fine, I wake up. But when her boy toy is starting to appear in places where I feel safe with friends, it becomes a bit of a problem. And I am a very different person when I feel threatened in some way, someone I don’t want my friends to see, ergo my problem with him being around me. And that’s one thing, but he like talks to me like everything is peaches and roses, forgive me for saying this but Fuck that.

- - - Now let me be clear, I don’t think I hate him. I certainly don’t hate him as a human being, who has loved ones and parents and friends I guess, though if he does have true friends they are probably all boys, because he would try to sleep with all the female ones. I don’t pretend to know him either, I have just heard allot of true things about him. Anyway returning to my point, I don’t hate him as a human, but I sure as hell don’t like him as a person one bit. He represents everything I wish I could change about people. Talks out of ass thinks he’s such hot shit Type A. A Womanizing Pig, though to be fair, I’m sure the women he sleeps around with don’t mind, which is kind of sad.

- - - But I almost just like, pity him so much, because I don’t think he’ll ever have a real connection with someone in his entire life if he doesn’t change. And I guess he is a nice guy… for the wrong reasons probably, but that has to come from somewhere I suppose, which I think is the only reason that is keeping me from actually hating him. And I know he is a lying piece of shit, and he’ll lie a thousand times over to get what he wants or to slime out of a situation, like he lied to me and one of my friends whom he had dated, to get poo-tang. And that’s sad too for that matter; I mean how old are we here really? When sex and money are the most important things in their/his life/lives? It’s just… I can’t even be mad this is so saddening, the human condition… in what?… 5Million Years hasn’t changed a bit. There is more to life than that, if anything those two things are at the BOTTOM of the list of what matters, control yourself for Christ’s sake, you’re only hurting yourself in the long run, like really I’m not just saying that, you are. Maybe he’ll get a girl pregnant soon and he’ll change to be a good father, but that may be giving him too much credit, he’d probably make her abort it. Sad.

- - - But I swear if he touches any of my friends his balls are going to be in a vice. He seems like the type to back down when posed with threats to save his own ass, so I don’t think that will be a problem. Plus I am very territorial over my friends, especially the female ones because of my chivalry problem. He’s lucky I’m a pacifist or I probably would have slugged him already.

Yet again, My Speech Leaves me.

So, For Starters, It’s really hard to find pictures of these two that are:
1.Clear
2.Subject is Smiling
3.Not Air-brushed with after effects
4.Color
5.Good quality

It’s like playing the lottery with a search engine (especially the smiling for Kristen haha). but basically this post is about me saying, beauty is based on culture and perspective.
When I look at Emma Watson, I am just silenced, and can do nothing but take it all in. She is absolutely stunning, and in some pictures (this is one of them), I just can’t imagine anyone more beautiful, I mean she is a princess, through and through. Then I look at a Picture of Kristen and my heart melts. She too is beautiful, but in a different way. One that isn’t really on a physical realm. They both have wonderful personalities and would be really fun to hang out with and talk to. but there is something about Kristen that makes me feel something more. Emma is adorable and wonderful, and I could stare at her all day. But Kristen… I could stare at her for eternity. And i know its just not me, These two are a popular paring. And sure some of it is because of the Harry Potter vs. Twilight crap, but i dont give a crap about that because Kristen as Bella looks very different with brown eyes, and Emma is too serious in the Harry Potter movies (not that Hermione had much to smile about). I like who they are as people, not the characters they play. It’s Funny too, it might all be in my head but I can see every girl I’ve ever liked since I knew what “my type” was in either of these two. Some angles and facial expressions, I find it no coincidence.

hollylovestheinternet:

So it’s official: I can’t get over you.

I went on a date last night, it didn’t go as planned but that made it even more fun. He did everything right, there’s nothing that I don’t like about him; his chivalrous, polite, fit, charming, and a real gentleman. We ended the night beautifully, it was more than I ever could have asked for. I’m glad I went but quite frankly I was consumed by thoughts of you and I together. Everything reminded me of you and I wanted nothing more than to just be with you. I know that’s completely unfair towards my date, it makes me look like a complete bitch. I guess I’m just holding on to the small glimmer of hope from the last time around. I can’t wait to see you but I need to talk to you and have the conversation that’s long overdue. I need to know what I am to you. I’m not expecting any specific answer, I just need to truth. I need to know if you’re willing to give me a chance, a real chance. I need to know what happened that night when you said you had tried someone else. I need to tell you about how I tried to tear myself away from you and how I’ve failed. I need to tell you how I can’t bear the thought of being intimate with anyone else. I need you to know that you’re all I think about, you’re what I dream about, you’re all I see. You have no idea what you’re doing to me, you’re so far away and time is moving so slow. Please come back home, you make me whole.

All I can say is, look forward, live in the now, it’s REALLY hard and I know you know, but I can tell you one thing: you will never regret it… plus sometimes Ignorance is bliss. Just ask yourself this: in the long run, of the ultimate goal of your pursuit of happiness in your life, Is it really worth hanging on a word?

(I finally remembered what I wanted to say in my last blog but I totally got off track and forgot.)
- - - Lately for some reason, I’ve been experiencing single moments of time that stretch on forever in my head. They only last a second, or half a second, but after they are over, I feel as though I was in the moment for eternity. I remember it with such detail, and definition. Such as yestermorning, I was jumping over a rock that separates the walkway to my driveway, and my driveway. As I jumped and looked down at the ground to where I would land, my foot stretched out before me, prepared for the impact. It was only a moment that lasted perhaps ¼ of a second. But after it happened, I remember it, like it was a memory that I had experienced a million times in pure clarity. The feeling of my body, at the apex of its jump, weightless, flying, was all but reality for what seemed forever. It only lasted a short while, and my perception of the event was that of real time, but it FELT like I had done it a million times. It was almost as if I was caught replaying that day over and over and over, and I did that action every single time, I just didn’t remember the loop of time, but I could still feel the motor memory of that perfect jump.

- - - I’ve noticed it’s been happening with faces as well. People I just meet whom I know nothing about look like old friends I have seen a thousand times. And after that initial glance, I can recall their faces in almost perfection, because for that moment that I looked at them, I looked for the stretch of eternity that lasted half a second. I think a possibility is that my latent clairvoyance in my dreams may be slipping into my waking hours. I have dreamed of dear friends in pain or sadness, to wake to find them in a similar condition. It’s happened more than a few times, and it’s happened more so recently. In fact I dreamt about a girl I’ve never even met, but I do care for a great deal, just recently. I contacted her the next morning and she was in fact struggling with an aspect of her life. I find that strange too, because the reason I first contacted her, was because I felt like I knew her, not in a way that I had knowledge of her life but that I had it of her “self”, or that I had to know her, or that I once knew her.

- - - Lots of feelings as of late, that seem to be pointing me in directions. It’s funny in a way almost. Last year I experienced a similar feeling, but it didn’t point me in directions, it governed me into them; like I had no control. But this; this is almost the opposite, I feel more connected lately, with people, with consciousness as a whole. It’s not a scary feeling, but it does create a looming sense of… lack of uncertainty if that makes any sense. I know that things will flow together if I just do what I need to do. And listen to that feeling that has yet to steer me in the wrong direction. But as I stated in my last blog, I could do without that feeling testing me, in situations like dreams, to see how I could react and do things. I’m starting to feel connected to people I don’t know in a conscious level way, not on a personal way I mean. Moments that stretch for eternity, it feels like my subconscious is trying to wake up, and be one with my overall consciousness. All the while the voices in my head seem to be at ease. This is not to say that I don’t have stressful moments, my life is the same, as it was just months ago when I didn’t have this feeling. My life is the same, but it feels new, maybe all it is, is the fact that I am actually feeling again; But who can know…

- - - I dreamed of her again last night; like I did a couple nights ago. Before I just saw her face and went in the other direction. This time I jumped into a pool behind me and sank to the bottom, looking up at the night sky beyond the illuminated water. She came in after me, but not to save me. The water disappeared as she stood over me. Another figure stood to her right, but I didn’t recognize it, not that I had the mind to take my eyes off her. She smiled that smile that used to make my insides burst, and she looked as lovely as I remembered her. I just lay there on the floor looking up at what I thought for a while was perfection. While I was under some hold she had, one that I was aware of at all times, but didn’t give a shit about. She made me into her dog with just a stare. And now here I was, letting myself be enslaved again. She knelt down on my chest, but it didn’t hurt, it felt good to touch her again. She bent down the remaining inches and kissed me, and it felt just like it did that night in the car. It was a kiss with a smile behind it, a sadistic smile, but a beautiful smile all the same. She kissed with passion and what may have been lust for only a moment and then pulled away. My mind raced and all the memories of pain that I associated with her instantly dissolved and I was compelled. I leaned up and kissed her back and both our heads fell together, and she filled my vision. I wished it would last forever, even though the warnings the rational side of me shouted. As that side shouted louder, I kissed her harder; filling myself with her sent by drawing in all the breath my lungs could fill me with. And when I thought the voice in my head was dead, she stopped and planted a smaller kiss on me one last time. She pulled back just out of range of where I my head could reach, and I my mind went insane. She just looked down and smiled at me, and I realized that the water never left, it was still all around us. And as she held me down smiling, I was glad to drown, drown with her.

- - - It fascinates me that someone could affect me or have such a hold on me. Even after 2 full months there are still scars. They are shallow, but numerous. They will always be with me, therefore she will always be with me, and I’ll never be able to forget, I don’t want to forget. I don’t know if it’s a form of weakness or nostalgia or just the never ending quest for happiness, but I want her with me, even if it’s in this way, of an emotional scar, to smile at me. I just worry (and in general too) that the actions in my dreams reflect how I would act in real life if I was ever posed with any of these situations. I don’t know that I’m dreaming, and I still make these decisions without regard to consequence. Of course I know when I’m awake, and that reality is never present in my dreams, but I simply doubt that is the only reason I act out my desires. It certainly leads to a distrust of self.

- - - This dream did make me realize one thing though. I need to remember to not settle for anything less than the girl of my dreams. And I’m not talking about… I haven’t given her a fictitious name yet… We will call her “The Poison Mushroom” (if you don’t get the reference visit this monologue: Down Poison). I just hope I’ll know, and I hope it’s not too far off, it would be nice to have dreams like this, and not question your own motives; to wake into peace. So to sum up I will say this: They say we are the sum of every person we have ever met; I just didn’t know they meant it in such a literal, figurative way.

- - - I never really looked at him in a role model sense, I refused to. Plus when he would get in philosophical moods he would always humble himself and say that he wasn’t really someone to be looked up to. He had flaws, and hell, allot of them; but despite that he’s always at least and in the least been a large influence on/in my life/personality/being in a way that no one else has, not even previous lovers. Why is this, you ask? Good Question. It’s a bond I am not entirely sure of, maybe we really were brothers in a past life or maybe we really are connected though an unseen bond that is greater than blood (where it be half blood or not) or friendship, I don’t know. It wasn’t as though I wanted to be him, more I wanted to look at the world though his eyes. To see the beauty that I could never see and to feel things that shallow other emotions in their wakes. And in someway I still haven’t achieved that goal, but by failing to reach for that star way up in the sky I found I landed on one that I could call my own… my own “Sol” if you will. To see the world though eyes like his.. ‘vis a vis’ my own eyes. But in this effort of “Sol” searching I still look up to his star and wonder why he flew so far away.

- - - Sometimes I feel as though I have become him, or perhaps what he was. Sometimes: Crazy, Vain, Hysterical, Lustful, Introspective, Cold, Dead, Alone, but also full of life, drive, life meaning, goals, care, and passion. Double edged swords that may come from being a fighter and not a lover. [Note 1] I feel as though I’m just observing life because it’s such a strange anomaly and I have to figure it out. And yet at the same time, I don’t question it like he does, he seems to ponder aimlessly as I just pass though and observe what I can, to surmise an explanation, not caring what I find because I know that ultimately it doesn’t matter. Or Maybe it does. He will always be my brother and I will always be at his side at the ready. Once he was so far gone he almost pushed himself over the edge. His Friends and I were there for him and tried our best to save him, but I don’t think we actually did anything. I know now that at the time my intentions were good, but selfish. I wanted him to live for my reasons, not his. For that same reason I think he needed to live and keep living for his reasons, and no one else.

- - - Even through a betrayal we stuck together, I wont go into the story, it’s best saved for another time. I say this becuase If he ever reads this I want him to know, he is forgiven, and will always be welcome in my Arms in a brotherly Embrace. And I also want him to know, that I am sorry as well. Though I may not be at any fault, I am sorry because for an instant in time, I regretted trying to save his life from his own hand. I regretted it, because of my own selfishness. And for that I am truly sorry. And I’m sorry to the ones who look up to me. I know I could never be what The Captain was to me to them. But I feel as though I’ve hardened my heart too much to even start to try. I don’t know why people look up to me. Role Model or no. I don’t think it’s my self worth talking ither (at whatever level it may be). I think its fear, but not of loss, because in the end I don’t know if I’ll choose the selfish or selfless route when push comes to shove. I don’t want people to see the world though my eyes, because though all the beauty, there is so much that isn’t. And sometimes it blinds me. And I thought seeing nothing may have been better [Note 2].

- - - No, I never really looked at him as a role model. and maybe I only have a bond though nostalgic memories that my sub-conscious wishes to create, to be back in an environment where I was free. And when I hear his voice I remember all the words he ever spoke that made me question the world, who I was and why I was. The lives he’s touched, and changed, and the thoughts he’s inspired, and the kindness. Even if it was all bullshit, and it was just some rouse to be an introspective mysterious person to attract Friends and Mates. It was what it was and I remember why I became who I am today.

VODE AN - Brothers All

Note 1 - I hate that expression. Everyone views a fighter as possibly belligerent or warmongering. Not true, the difference between a lover and a fighter is that a lover, loves so that others may feel loved. And a fighter fights for love, so that the lovers may love.

Note 2 - I once thought that humans throughout the ages have developed ways to fight the darkness because they feared it. They were constantly inventing new ways to keep it at bay, or to eradicate it from our perception. It’s still there, in the cracks. It’s a “if we can’t see it, it can’t hurt us” mentality. So I let the darkness in, to learn about it. I went though almost a year of my life, feeling like I didn’t have free will feeling like I was stuck. The Darkness is like Apathy. We didn’t create Everlasting light out of fear, we created it out of Spite.

Lately it seems that there has been a shift in energy. A shift in what makes time tick. My consciousness or anyone’s really will never be aware because we live by it. What say you if the speed of light changes? Impossible by our human rules, but think about it. We measure time and the speed of light the same way. They both possess a common factor that if changed, does not break the equation but merely alters it. And who are we to say that consciousness cannot sense this change or even perhaps affect it? Time flies when you are having fun. But it doesn’t, a second is a second isn’t it? No, time beats differently based on location and distance from the core of gravity from the rock on which we all inhabit; and that is fact, proven by clocks so precise it would make your head spin. Can we alter time for ourselves (at least in our minds)? Or is that simply a response to the stimuli interpreted by the brain? All I know is that lately over the past few months, I look at my watch, and see each tick drift away, and I can’t help but feel I remember it being a little faster than it is now.

Time over time. Expressed as t/t = [1, 0, Null]
1 - Therefore Time Does Exist, but only all at once.
0 - Or Time Does not exist.
Null - Or nothing exists.

Anyway you look at it, its up to you. You have three Choices.